writer's moll

It’s always disappointing when the perpetrator of a crime is caught by their own stupidity rather than the meticulous police work that TV crime shows suggest. Are they stupid beforehand do you suppose, or does crime addle their brain? I always wonder why killers bury the body of their victim under the floorboards for instance. They may be in a panic, but doesn’t it cross their mind that when the neighbours notice a funny smell, they’ll probably report it to the police?

And this week, the staggering corruption of an American judge has been revealed, equalled only by the stupidity that exposed him. He’d been handing down hundreds of custodial sentences for children as young as 14 for the heinous offences of stealing a $4 jar of nutmeg and creating a satirical MySpace page of their headteacher. But, as he said in an interview with the Guardian last month, he was only doing it because he wanted to help the kids straighten out their lives. It obviously didn’t occur to him that his somewhat unusual sentencing policy might raise a few eyebrows as well as questions. And when it did, the resulting investigation found that he and another senior juvenile judge, had earned themselves a neat little $2.6m (£1.78m) in kickbacks from the co-owner and builder of a private detention centre in return for a steady flow of children.

Isn't this supposed to happen only in third world countries?

We’re due out in an hour and off to a ‘do’
The dress that I grab's embellished with stew
We jump in the car, but don’t know the route
I study the map while my loved one stays mute
If only I’d checked them beforehand.

I break all the rules when cooking for guests,
Refusing to do the dish I know best
I’m still not decided, I’ve got just one day more
Last minute schlepping and panic galore
If only I’d planned it beforehand.

It’s time for our holiday, I’ve made a list
Sadly what’s written are things that I’ve missed
Now we’ve no sun cream, make-up or drops
Must get to the airport with time for the shops
If only I’d realised beforehand.

There are some who plan weekends months in advance
Never leave Christmas or birthdays to chance
Know where their bills are, their fridge never bare
All RSVPs are sent back with care
If only I knew how they did that

Which one of the following will get you into the least trouble with the catholic church?

a) striking the pope with a custard pie
b) raping and making your nine year old stepdaughter pregnant
c) procuring or carrying out an abortion of the twins that result from that rape.

Yes, the answer’s b). For that you’ll be expected to recite some Hail Marys. The other two will get you excommunicated.

I seem to have lost the habit of tucking away in the back of my mind anything I come across that might be useful for my blog, so lately I've had nothing to say. I’ve decided the way back is to try and write something every day – however small, however rubbishy. So, I apologise to my readers in advance if it sounds slightly bonkers and assure you I’m just practicing, but rather than a new pen, I’m breaking in my new mindset.

I’ve recently blotted my copybook in the good motherhood department, thereby depleting the store of goodwill I’d built up. So if you don’t want to end up a Bad Mother like me, here are a few golden rules to remember:

Rule i
When one of your children gives you the heartbreaking news that his marriage is over and he has to leave the marital home, don’t make the mistake of thinking an offer of accommodation will soften the landing of his fall. When he describes the unendurable deprivation and humiliation that living with you entails, you may not recognise the house as yours - just accept that it is.

Rule ii
Don’t expect his talking about the problem necessarily to prove therapeutic. It can be as addictive as heroin and just as useless, so however many hours you spend in supportive and sympathetic listening, it will count for nothing once you suggest a change of conversation topic.

Rule iii
When you think his perspective is becoming somewhat skewed and his attitude to his wife increasingly extreme, don’t even think of trying to present another viewpoint. This is treachery pure and simple and will be punished by ex-communication.

Rule iv
And the most important: if you’ve had a few drinks when he wants to discuss ‘what’s right’, feign an appointment and go out. Otherwise when he tells you how disappointed he is that the family are still in contact with his wife, you may feel obliged to point out that if he weren’t so bent on punishing her, he’d realise our priority is their four year old daughter, and should be his too.

Ah motherhood - if only you could pack it in and take up something else when you made a mess of it.